Talk to anyone. An introverted extroverts guide to the social scene.
Photo by James Lee on Unsplash
When I hear the words cocktail party or mixer I get a little weak in the knees. I’m what I like to call a socially introverted extrovert. I define that as being a conversationalist that likes to go deep, not wide. I like to find my person and have a deep and meaningful conversation.
Not many people, just one.
Plus, I’m not a butterfly. I don’t need to flutter around to see and be seen.
I think that comes from being a painfully shy kid and slowly chipping out of my shell over the last few decades.
I finally have, but it’s taken some work.
Having deep and engaging conversations, I’ve come to find, is life-giving, just not always easy. But there are some things that can turn those jitters into lasting social tranquility once and for all.
According to Vanessa Van Edwards in her book, Human Lie Detection and Body Language 101, there are some hard and fast rules that apply to all types of conversations that will relax you and put you in the driver’s seat.
The scene: You’re going to a party and you don’t know anyone there. You’re a little nervous, uncertain what to expect.
The goal: You want to look confident and be social, maybe have a good conversation
Before you go:
Always have a clear intention for the situation. This goes for all types of settings.
— Is the goal just to have some fun?
— Is it to get to know someone and find common ground?
— Is it to impress someone important to you?
When you plan, you’ll have a better idea of how far to go with your questions and the type of conversation you’ll be having.
Pain point 1: Walking in the door
First impressions start before you even speak, so if you want to look confident and open yourself up to having some good conversations this will help:
— Walk with great posture, straight not slouched
— Hands visible, not in your pockets, and no crossed arms
— Smile and keep your head up and eyes engaged-Look at people, not your phone
These tips help build up trust cues. People will already like you.
You’re halfway there.
Pain Point 2: The Opening
Keep this simple. Remember if you’ve approached with a warm smile & open posture, you’ve actually already started the conversation and created the first impression. Good starters are not complicated, don’t try to get too clever here, no need.
— “Hello, how are you? I’m Mary”. This is by far the number one opener. Short and sweet.
— Compliment something-Clothes, a watch, or ask about the drink they’re having
Pain Point 3: No Awkward Silence
Once you master this, you’ll feel like a pro.
— Start with curiosity. Ask them questions about their likes, hobbies, vacations, and start listening very actively.
— Look for sparks as you respond-If you see raised eyebrows, (the universal sign of being interested in someone who is speaking. True story.), you know they’re interested and you can pull on that thread and keep going.
— More follow-up questions, and repeat.
“Listening is being able to be changed by the other person.” — Alan Alda
Pain Point 4: It’s A Wrap
The last impression is just as important as the first.
One sure-fire tip:
— Future mention. Ask about what is going on this weekend, plans for the holidays, anything that moves the conversation from now into a future moment. This builds a bridge to the exit line.
Then you can easily wrap with, “Well, I need to get going-have a great time on your trip next week! I’m sure it’s gonna be so nice!”
Boom. You did it.
Here are a few other things to remember about having great conversations
Be vulnerable-it makes you more relatable and it’s the real deal
Ask interesting questions that are a little deeper than the weather. “When you went to Italy, was it a problem that you didn’t speak the language, or was it pretty easy to get around and do things?”
Maintain eye contact
Don’t look at your phone
Don’t look at other people
Don’t have a plan, just flow with the conversation, don’t steer it
No preaching. No one cares
Assume that you’re going to learn something new because you will. For sure.
Don’t hijack a moment. If they share something painful, don’t say you “get it” because the same thing happened to you. Even if it did, this isn’t about you and everyone's experience is completely different.
Listen. Listen. Listen.
“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.”
Karl A. Menniger
After much anxiety and years of the wallflower routine, I feel like I have mastered the social party scene.
It turns out that the key to being cool in social settings is simple.
Have a plan, be open, ask questions, listen, and genuinely wait for the answer.
I haven’t become a butterfly by any means, and I still prefer to go deep not wide, but at least I can be more relaxed as I find my person.
🎉 P.S. Why not start a new morning routine in Midlife! Daily Gratitude Journaling and Meditating with your coffee is a great way to start the day!