5 ways to tell if your friends are “faux”

We all want great friends, but look for quality over quantity

Of course, we all want to have great friends. Not necessarily a lot of them, but we want them to be of good quality. As we get older, that becomes even more important. That’s when the real stuff starts to happen in our lives that drives us to need our really “good” friends. The kind that shows up when we’re hit with big, life-changing events, without being asked, ready to do whatever is needed.

As we get older, something else becomes apparent in the area of our friendships, and that is that the fringe ones need to be set aside. This isn’t to say you need to be rude or hurtful, on the contrary. It just may be time to stick with the ones that are the real deal.

Some people are not “friend group” people, I’m definitely not. I’ve decided that it’s because I like to go deep, not wide. That said, I have an automatic filtering system that tells me right away if that’s a possibility or not. If I sense our interactions are vague or shallow, then it’s goodbye friend. But I’ve noticed a pattern and have determined that there are specific traits these fringe friends have that lead me to exit stage left. 

If you find yourself trying to jive with a “friend” but just can’t quite get there, here are the most common reasons why:

They’re selfish

I want to start this by saying, most people are self-centered. As a life coach, I can tell you that is not the same as being selfish, at all. We are all that way if we’re honest, and it’s normal. We are focused on ourselves from the jump each day, and then other things and people work their way into our day and we adjust.

The difference is that selfish people never adjust. Everything they do if focused on how it will benefit them, first and foremost, without a thought of the impact on anyone else. When you have a friend like this, you may not notice it right away, but soon this tendency will surface, just when you need them for something, and they just can’t make it work. Even though you’ve shown up for them. 

They’re always negative

Life is pretty good for most people, that’s why this one is particularly galling. We all have stuff- challenges, hurdles, and general issues that we deal with every day. Some more than others. The problem comes in when those issues become the only topic of conversation, without even a “light at the end of the tunnel” or “bright side” to balance out the convo.

It’s not pleasant to be with someone who is drowning and wants to pull you down with them, rather than use the friendship to work through solutions or seek your guidance. Their negativity is tiresome and a burden you don’t need, and will likely cause you to slowly distance, and that’s ok. 

They complain

An occasional complaint here and there is par for the course in daily life, and most of the time they are tongue in cheek. However, if you go to lunch with a friend and they complain about everything from the table to the server, to the menu, and can’t find one positive about the experience, it’s debilitating.

The next level of this is when they begin to complain to others, like the server, the manager, you know the drill. If you’re trying to be positive and have quality experiences in your life, this won’t serve you well. Eventually, it’s even embarrassing. Step one would be to try and refocus a complainer on the good. If that doesn’t stick, do yourself a favor and limit your interaction.

Life is short, and if your goal is to live joyfully, then being around someone who is constantly seeking out what’s wrong with a situation won’t get you there.

They’re conceited

Ah yes, the bragger. We all know this person and have rolled our eyes a few times at their comments or behavior. The only reason you would entertain a friendship with this person is if you are part of this camp. You can keep this person as an arm’s length friend, but you won’t be able to tolerate this as a true friend.

They stick out like a sore thumb because most of us walk around with fractured self-esteem, and having a high opinion of ourselves, especially publicly, is outside of our comfort zone. This behavior is annoying and doesn’t really add value to your life, so take a hard look at what this friend brings to the table.

They’re self-righteous

The air of moral superiority and higher virtue that these friends have is intolerable. They just can’t fathom the idea that you have different values than they do or even a different viewpoint. The best conversations should theoretically be had with those that have different ideas about life.

We might learn something from an alternative viewpoint, especially if we know the “why” behind it. Some people just can’t do it. If they can’t, that means you can’t either. Enjoyable, stimulating discourse and the appreciation of differences is an amazing opportunity to bond with someone.

Unless you’re self-righteous and can’t accept another viewpoint without getting heated, that is. You can likely tolerate this for a while, but this isn’t likely going to be one of your long-term friendships. Who needs the stress?

So whether you’re a friend group person or not, quality is vitally important in the people you choose to call your friends. As we grow older, we grow less receptive to the shallow relationships in our lives, as we should. But anytime is a great time to evaluate how the people you call your friends make you feel because that’s the foundation you’ll build on.

If they always take more than they give, embarrass you, disgust you, or look down at you, that’s not sustainable, and you just may be better off without them.

As they say, “time and good friends become more valuable the older we get”. It’s worth the effort to make the most of both.