Guilt is not a good travel companion.

It isn’t easy taking big steps in life and it doesn’t really matter how old you are, either. There always seem to be perfectly logical reasons for not doing the thing, and we believe them with our entire little heart. I call that “being on the Excuse Train” and I have been a passenger on it for a few years now.

But why? Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but as a 54-year-old divorced mom of 4 millennial daughters, who was married for 20 years, I can tell you the biggie for me. Guilt. Yep, the G-word, people.

After my divorce, I was so disappointed in myself for not succeeding in my marriage that I became stuck. I mean capital “S” Stuck. Making excuses became super easy and doing things that I was passionate about or doing things that made me happy, became nearly impossible. I was a willing commuter just because I believed that failing in a marriage meant that you could never have another ounce of joy.

I can't blame my ex-husband for that. Not all of it at least. It was mostly me, and I know that. It didn't help that I was Catholic and the daughter of Sicilian parents, but again, it was mostly my doing.

Guilt and shame did a real number on me, but I know that in any failed marriage, that is going to exist. I guess it's a matter of what you do with the guilt. I chose to hide, immerse myself into my daughters’ lives, and basically use them as my "reason" for not doing a single thing to add joy to my life. They felt that, and I noticed.

Recently, I realized that I was burdening my beautiful daughters with that doom and gloom journey, and on top of it, they were carrying my suitcase. How unbelievably selfish. “Carry your own damn suitcase”, I decided.

And here’s why.

It's not their problem. Really.

Let's face it, we all know it's not our kids' problem when we feel lonely or insignificant or have low self-esteem, but sometimes there's a sick little part of us that needs them to see it. I can't really explain it, but I don't like it. As I see my girls grow into beautiful women with their own full lives, it gives me a new perspective.

I want to be the best I can be, first for myself, but then for them. God knows they're gonna need me.

I love them more than I love my guilt

No one loves feeling guilty. But for some of us, it's how we grew up. If we weren't feeling guilty, then we weren't livin'. How incredibly sad. Truth be told, you do get used to it being around, and then it becomes your trusty sidekick. Soon after that, it becomes that blunt friend that whispers in your ear, "you kinda messed things up, so why don't you just sit this one out?"

Well, that's a relationship I definitely don't need. Bye, old friend.

It's time to let it go. Let. It. Go.

That pretty much sums it up. Sometimes, it's just time. I honestly can't believe that I have spent over a decade wrestling these feelings of not being good enough or not deserving anything good to happen. I have no one to blame for not getting on with my life, it's on me.

That actually makes it much easier. I'm going to let it go, get the new shoes, and get after it.

I paid my dues

It seems silly to say, but I really have paid my dues. I have suffered, but I have also worked really hard to overcome every obstacle. I cried a lot, but then one day, I stopped. I made my mistakes, but then I found grace in knowing that was part of my journey. I wouldn't be the woman I am today had I not gone down that rocky road. But the really hard part is over and I'm marking it "Paid".

And so it has ended. I am off the train, it has left the station, and I am happy to say that joy is part of everyday life now.  It seems easy enough in theory, but it does take a little bit of self-talk and a mindset shift.

But if I can do it, someone who has spent their entire life with guilt as my trusty travel companion, you sure can.