The one easy thing you’re not doing that can help your relationship.
I’m a believer that some of the most complicated situations can be solved with simple solutions. And though I believe we genuinely want to solve issues, we also tend to overcomplicate things. But there is one fix that would make a huge impact on every relationship in our lives, but it’s so easy that it just isn’t done.
Active listening is that fix. Sure, you think you’re listening, but those things you are doing while you’re listening, prove otherwise. By definition, to be actively listening you need to be completely attentive and not just hearing the words, but concentrating and understanding the point that is being made. In other words, listening for meaning. So, don’t be preparing your rebuttal or getting defensive. Hear the whole thing, exactly how it is being presented.
Life Coach-pro tip 1: Your body language is important here. Lean in rather than away from the person, look at them, not around the room, and nod when you feel you are really understanding their story. Don’t sit there like a stiff. Uncross those arms too. That just says you’re closed for business.
Life Coach-pro tip 2: No matter what buzz, ding, or vibration you hear, whether yours or someone else’s, ignore it. If it’s yours, you’re not off to a great start, but it would be appropriate to shut it off and apologize. Stay in the conversation at all costs. Don’t look down at your phone and don’t make an excuse why you have to.
Life Coach-pro tip 3: By all means, if something is said that you don’t understand, ask them about it. But use an “I want to make sure I am clear on that”, approach rather than a version of “What? I don’t get that at all?”. The latter is your opinion, and that’s for later.
When you feel as though you have listened carefully and fully understand the issue, you can begin resolving. That may be apologizing, it may be taking responsibility, asking a few more questions, or some combination. While it may not be solved in this one sitting, at least the person is crystal clear that they were listened to. Let’s face it, everyone wants that.
Active listening is commonly used in counseling, training, and often as a method to improve business communication. But let’s not forget about this skill when we are dealing with the relationships with those we love the most. They are usually the ones that deliver the “you’re not listening” scorn. As they should.
Try to see active listening as a tool to ease someone’s suffering or anxiety. It’s a powerful way to help someone deal with a difficult personal situation by providing a safe and open space to speak. Once they see you’re listening and not interrupting, the feelings will flow even more freely.
Being an active listener is a small action that can help all your relationships in a big way. But, even though it seems easy, it will take some practice to get it right.