Are you able to let yourself get it wrong?
Reframe past regrets and receive their lessons without shame.
There is a tendency with regret to see the pathway you didn’t take as inevitably better than the pathway you did — Dr. Windy Dryden
Regret can be pretty convincing.
It can make you fairly certain that if you had just gone a different direction or made another decision that things would have turned out so much better.
Of course, there is no way to really know that, is there?
It’s common to use regret around a decision or situation as a tool to keep us shackled and resistant to move forward, feeling that if we do, we’re somehow giving ourselves a pass.
Is that true?
I’m usually pretty hard on myself in general, but regret is my emotion of choice when it comes to remaining mired in the negative afterglow I feel I so richly deserve.
Living in regret is not only bad for your mindset, but it keeps you stuck.
But there is hope.
Reframe #1-Allowing yourself to be ok with being wrong
According to Catriona Wrottesley, a couples psychoanalytic psychotherapist, it’s best to accept there is no solution for feelings of pain, loss, and disappointment. They are part of being alive and can be experienced and survived. You should engage with life in all its ups and downs.
You are wise to see regret as a learning moment so you’ll do things in a different way next time.
If you are able to make amends for the situation, do so.
Allow yourself to be wrong, and move on.
Reframe #2-Afterall, its a journey
Guilt and shame are byproducts of regret and can add fuel to an already smoldering negative mindset.
Why not try to view your life as a series of lessons? Some come easier than others. Some come with excruciating pain. Regardless, you’ve learned something and a healthy reframe would be to understand that you need to love yourself through all parts of the journey.
Use what you learned as a catalyst to take better care of yourself and to be more present in your life.
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other path, no other way, no day but today. — Jonathan Larson
Reframe #3-Regret and ownership
Let’s face it, regret can be the catalyst you need to examine your life and how you want to live. It can improve your ability to take ownership and responsibility for things, which is a rare but useful skill.
It can also improve relationships of those who suffered through things with you or because of you.
Making those amends and having conversations will help rebuild and strengthen those ties.
Being open and vulnerable is the way to start.
Reframe #4-Being more adaptable
You can’t change what you’ve done or where you’ve fallen short, but one thing you can do is begin to craft a plan to adapt to it.
Things are not always going to be handed to us on a perfect silver platter, nor should we feel that our contentment and joy can only occur in perfect conditions.
The work of becoming a more adaptable person is a valuable life skill. It will allow you to be open to a wider range of outcomes so you’re less likely to fold when things don’t go exactly as planned.
It is the ability to accept yourself, to recognize that there was a wider context to your actions and to understand that you made the decisions you made based on the values and the information you had at the time that leads to self knowledge. — Dr. Windy Dryden
Reframe #5-Getting clear on what you can control
It pays to evaluate what is in your control and what is not. If you focus on things that you can control, you’ll soon see how absurd it is to dwell on what has already happened.
It happened.
It can’t un-happen.
Think about the idea of perceiving the situation differently once you have accepted you cannot change it.
You can then create a sense of self-efficacy, believing you have the ability to overcome any challenge you face, and know you have it in you to create a pleasing outcome no matter how bleak or unexpected things are.
I’ve learned that by adding things into my life that bring me joy, finding creative outlets, and strengthening my relationships, the negative feelings of regret are not at the forefront of my mind anymore. Gradually, I’ve realized, I don’t really think about them at all.
It isn’t necessary to stay stuck in regret.
It isn’t helping you, or anyone around you.
Make the amends that you can, learn the lessons, realize how strong you are, and accept what is and is not in your control.
Your life is waiting on the other side.
🎉P.S. — Wanna know how to get on track with a daily self-care practice in midlife?
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