5 reasons why friction means you actually give a f***

Conflict is a great indicator of success for your relationship

Most people do everything they can to avoid conflict. It’s disruptive, can cause harm, hurt someone, or just ruin the day. While there are those that thrive on being the litigators of the world, treating argumentative conversations and probing questions as a sport, that sort of interaction is definitely not for everyone.

I avoid conflict like the plague. That’s because I have a problem with a little thing called insecurity. For some reason, the conflict has translated to permanent problems or loss, and I’m not sure why. I have decided to embrace it more as of late, and I think it will dramatically change things for me in a good way. 

There is strong evidence that conflict with your partner can be the best thing you can do for your relationship. In a study conducted by David Maxwell and Joseph Grenny, authors of Crucial Conversations-Tools for Talking when Stakes are High, couples who engage in healthy conflict are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who don’t.  That seems to run counter to everything most people spend their lives believing. 

Here’s why it’s a good thing:

It puts it all out there and that’s healthy

You might as well be 100% the real you because anything less is just work. If you tamp down any part of your frustrations or hold back because it might be hurtful, you are making it harder for yourself later. Rule number 1 for a healthy argument is to watch the tone, and we all know what that means. How many times have you heard, “it’s not what he said it’s how he said it”.? Plenty, I’m sure, and there’s truth in that.

The way we deliver any information has everything to do with how it’s received. It’s not a matter of dumping out all your stuff because you want to do a good cleanse once and for all, it's about being deliberate about how you express it. This means communicating clearly the things that bother you, what you are working on to improve yourself, and finding strategies together that can keep a small problem from burning the whole thing down.

It reminds you that your differences are what makes your relationship special

People are beautifully unique. Even people that are very similar bring their unique history to every situation. That’s why an argument can sometimes seemingly come out of nowhere. Each of us has our own way of reading a situation and our history builds out all the incomplete details.

That can be frustrating, especially if you thought you really knew everything about each other, and all of the sudden you have a crazed person on your hands. You’re different people, and you will see everything in a personal way. 

Knowing that your idea of normal may not be the same as your partners is important to understand. It will keep you from having any preconceived ideas about their actions and prevent an argument from ensuing as soon as you realize their actions are one hair different than what you would have done. You’re both good people, you’re different, and that’s what will ultimately make it great.

It will make the relationship stronger

Let’s face it. Holding things back is akin to lying about who you are. Being completely transparent lays all your stuff out on the table, and puts you both into problem-solving mode. You’re a team, after all, and teams work together to find solutions or reach a positive outcome. Reframing the conflict as the brain dump of both of your feelings, rather than something personal, will reinforce your commitment to each other and help get you in a pattern of solving future conflicts in the same way. 

It builds trust

This is a biggie. Many times we avoid conflict because we aren’t exactly sure what the aftermath will be. You should have enough belief and trust in your relationship and be certain that a truthful, but passionate or heated exchange will do nothing to deplete that trust, but rather strengthen it. Once the conflict is over, and it’s behind you, it’s proof that it is safe to voice your true feelings without fear. That will make open communication an easy option and very empowering.

You’ll get to the root of the issue faster

No one wants the occasional conflict to last any longer than it has to. Beating around the bush or withholding your true thoughts about something that has upset you will only prolong the situation. Something else will happen that will trigger the same feelings next week, and then the battle will be twice as bad.

Put the issues out, front and center, as clearly as you can and as soon as you can. It’s a hard pill to get used to at first, but burying the lead is not going to be in your best interest in this case. Purge and start solving. It will save you lots of time.

There are a few ground rules when it comes to having heated conflicts or arguments. The three main ones are to keep your voice down, choose your words carefully, and be mindful of your tone. In order to keep the message front and center, use these as your guide so you don’t get off track or create distractions with your words or tone.

So fear not, friction is not a sign of doom, but rather a sign of a solid relationship with a foundation of trust. When you have the urge to just “let it go”, and avoid the heat, don’t. You’re not actually letting it go, you’re postponing the battle and later, it’ll likely be worse.

Don’t hold back. Let it roll.