How to finally get out of your own way
There are people out there that believe they are completely in control of their destiny.
Others feel like they were dealt a certain hand in life, and that’s why they can’t seem to break through and accomplish their dreams.
Whichever way you feel, or even if it’s a hybrid, one thing is for sure. There have probably been a few occasions where you put yourself squarely in your own way. It’s not always easy to spot when it’s happening because the “blocks” are beautifully packaged as “reasons” and seem to fall right in line with your narrative.
The idea of being in your own way and limiting yourself from achieving your goals is often labeled as self-sabotage.
Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems in daily life and interferes with long-standing goals.
But why would you deliberately do anything to keep yourself from succeeding?
It’s complicated and depends on what you’re sabotaging.
Here are some signs that you may be unconsciously getting in your own way.
Too Hard On Yourself
You seek perfection in all you do. This is unrealistic and can easily lead to low self-esteem and putting your dreams on hold for fear of failing or being less than perfect. Being overly critical can also have a lasting impact on your self-esteem.
Quick To Point Out Negatives
If you find yourself being particularly pessimistic or finding the negative in all things, pay attention because this could be a sign of sabotage and is likely to keep you from taking steps forward. If you look for the negatives, you’ll almost always find them.
You Procrastinate or Don’t Find Time
Allowing yourself to put things off or convincing yourself that you don’t have time can be a sign that you’re committed to standing in your own way. Doing this regularly can lead to higher levels of stress and anxiety, creating a vicious cycle of staying stuck.
You’re Disorganized
When your home or life is disorganized, this can lead to feeling a lack of control which can lead to hopelessness. Clutter and disorganization have been shown to lead to higher levels of stress and higher cortisol. When these symptoms arise, it can stop you from moving ahead with new plans or ideas, because it takes the wind out of your sail.
You’re Always Overdoing It
Taking on too much makes it hard to finish anything. Starting several projects and overcommitting can give you a good reason for not completing any of them. This high level of busyness will also cause you to put yourself last, which will further your hopeless feelings.
Burn Out
When you’re burned out or overworked, you start to dread normal things which close the door on moving toward something new. When you feel fried and in a state of overwork you become unwilling to use any available time on self-improvement and just seek to find ways to detach from everything and just relax.
So why do you self-sabotage?
There’s no one reason why self-sabotage happens.
Of course, this isn’t to say that there are no common patterns when it comes to what causes self-sabotage. There is one common theme, however with people who have major issues with it.
People who chronically self-sabotage learned at some point that it works.
Here are some reasons why it can become a pattern.
Past Relationships
The ways and reasons people unconsciously block their happiness and success in relationships vary. Some cheat or find reasons to fight or become controlling or unreasonable to drive their partner away.
Generally speaking, these are unconscious ways that our brains protect us from getting rejected or being trapped in an unpleasant situation and unable to leave. These behaviors can come from childhood relationships that lead to a fear of repeating the past and you’ll do anything to avoid this at all costs.
If this is you, seek ways to talk about your feelings with a professional, now that you have a greater capacity for handling stress and rejection. They can help you unravel the fear and develop behavioral strategies that will help you open that door.
Ultimately try to remind yourself what you have to gain by working through your fears and consider how allowing healthy relationships into your life can improve your level of happiness.
Past Discomfort With The Unfamiliar
We’re all wired in a way to seek things that are familiar to us and avoid new ideas. This leads to putting an unrealistic and high value on what we already know and finding little value in things that are unfamiliar.
This can be compounded during times of stress or when we are overworked or tired. It’s much easier to allow ourselves to go toward what is familiar to us, even though we see and believe the value of trying something new.
The best remedy for this is to make big decisions when you’re well-rested and under no undue pressure. This will give you a better chance of evaluating the pros and cons of the situation rather than going to your familiar, default reaction which usually seems like the best option.
Avoiding the anxiety of doing the unfamiliar can show up in the form of procrastination or simply lacking the discipline to move in a new direction. Are you a perfectionist or an overthinker?
Each of these tendencies points to anxiety over the unfamiliar. A way you can counteract the urge to put things off or staying mired in indecision is to give yourself a predetermined time to make the decision and commit to that. You can also fight off overthinking by giving yourself permission to “get it wrong”.
By seeing the decision-making process as a learning experience, not life or death, you’ll ease the pressure and reduce the chance of getting caught up in a never-ending thought loop.
Insecurities And Fear of Success
If you’re feeling in a state of limbo, try to identify if you are blaming outside factors, like not having the time or means to make something happen.
If you have a fear of succeeding, you may develop a pattern of doing or saying whatever it takes to avoid the limelight. This fear, however, may not be of the success itself, but what the consequences of it are.
Maybe you worry about the impact of your success on your life, family, and relationships. The possibility of things becoming more complicated or stressful can also make you want to pump the brakes.
Avoidance behavior can relieve the anxiety brought on by fear of success, but in the long run, it will only exacerbate the problem because you’re not getting to the root of the issue. It can actually train your brain to feel afraid and avoid the triggers.
A good strategy is to face your fear in small stages. If you’re terrified to give a TEDx talk, start with doing a podcast interview, then maybe post a video of yourself giving a short talk. Master each of those steps and that will make the larger goal of the TEDx talk less daunting.
Fear of failure can keep you stuck and hold you back in life, but the fear of success also comes at a great cost. It can keep you from reaching your highest potential. Challenging those thoughts by giving yourself a series of attainable but empowering steps to build your confidence can help.
Being in your own way and sabotaging your own success can have many root causes that can be traced back to past feelings or events. Getting clear on that by self-examination or through professional help is a must if you’re ever going to break out of the pattern.
If you want to stop self-sabotaging for good, the key is to understand what might be causing the blocking behavior, the benefit it serves, and develop alternate behaviors that address that need in a healthy way.
There are 5 basic steps to doing this:
Understand why sabotaging feels right to you- For example, if you want to stop procrastinating, first you need to understand that by putting things off you’re able to avoid your fear of failing (or succeeding) and that is why it has become a self-protecting habit for you.
Identify some alternatives that can replace that feeling- Once you identify that your action (procrastinating) is your way of avoiding failure, you can begin to break down what has led you to this fear. By working through the emotions and figuring out what you’re really afraid of, you can address the root and plan small action steps that build your confidence and reduce your need to procrastinate.
Plan for possible roadblocks- You need to give yourself a contingency plan. Just because you’re clear on what you can do to alleviate your fears and you have a game plan, that doesn’t mean life won’t throw you a curveball. If you feel like your procrastination comes on during times of overwork, start making a plan to commit to normalizing your work schedule, and you’ll optimize your ability to keep procrastination at bay.
Get comfortable with discomfort- Whenever you’re working on forming new habits or behaviors, you have to be able to tolerate a little discomfort, physical or emotional. Build up your emotional tolerance to the unfamiliar by starting small. If you often feel fear when you try to pursue something new, instead of going to a knee-jerk avoidance action, try to allow yourself to feel the discomfort, even if it’s for a short time. It will gradually get easier.
Be clear on your values- This is foundational when it comes to letting go of self-sabotage and starting new and life-enriching habits. The most important part of clarifying your values is to be very specific. If you want to release your fear of success and the procrastination that helps block it, ask yourself, “why do I want to be able to embrace success?” An example of a specific answer is, “because I’ve always wanted to be a writer, and I know that if I can plan my days more efficiently I can write more, improve my skills, and gain the confidence I need.”
The best way to call out standing in your own way is to be mindful of what you’re feeling and doing and then lay down a plan to work through those emotions so you can set new goals.
If you are intentional and very clear with aligning your personal values to your plans, you’ll feel much more confident about what you’re doing, and more easily commit to the new plan.
The sooner you do this, the sooner you can take control of your life, rid yourself of self-sabotaging behavior for good, and finally get out of your own way.
🎉 P.S. More midlife mash ups on 🎧🔥The Badass Midlife Podcast🔥🎧